fearless: Everyone I know goes away in the end (Goes Away)

So I spent all day coding this theme and when I say all, I mean all.. well mostly. I think I started around noon and was semi-distracted by other things, but still, it took quite a bit because I’m super picky, but I really do like how it turned out. Sure, it’s simple, but I find that now a days I am enjoying simple much more than I did before. It’s not a bad thing I don’t think, I suppose it could be worse, but still, simple seems to suit me. I am still tweaking the damn Flickr stream– for some reason, despite all my efforts the borders refuse to show, but other than that I am pleased with it. I also managed to get all of my pages fixed and turned off comments on them, which I’ve been meaning to do, but have been much too lazy. I also removed my portfolio, mostly because I found I didn’t really update it so there was no point in having it there. Maybe one day when my creativity returns once more and not in spurts as it tends to do.

I had the past week off from week as a means to just recover. I have been so burnt out and I really needed to just take some time to refresh. I’m sad that it went by so quickly, but I did my best to not over exert myself. I still need to clean the house which I fully intend on doing tomorrow (no excuses damnit!) and then I think my funk, well at least I hope my funk will be over. For the most part a lot of those I know have experienced it and I’m not sure why. It seems to have caught on like the fucking flu which thankfully I have never had. Instead I just sink into bouts of depression that threaten to claim my sanity and I wonder if one day I will be able to fight my way back from the edge. G-d, I sound morbid.

Last weekend was my sister-in-law’s reception in San Diego. I would say I enjoyed myself, but to be honest, it was a bit drab. It was nice to catch up with old friends, but the reception itself was lame. I actually ended up crawling into bed at about 8:00 because I was bored out of my mind. Is that mean to say? Lol. She looked gorgeous and it was good to see her, but I don’t think I would have shed a tear if I had missed it, though if I had then we would not have had such a great laugh at the expense of Robby’s aunt who thinks she knows everything. No one can stand her, I mean NO ONE. She sticks her nose where it doesn’t belong and it drives everyone crazy. Case and point: my mother-in-law tells me Sunday morning that Helen said, “Angie was really flirting with Robby’s friend.” I look at her and say, “What the fuck?” and she laughs and says, “Brion!” To which we all start cracking up. Why you ask? Because Brion is gay. We all love him to pieces and all giggle like girls with him, which coincidentally was exactly what we were doing when she said we were flirting. Of course when Robby’s mom told his aunt all she had to say was, “Ohhh, that’s why.” What’s that saying again? When you make assumptions, you make an ass out of you and me, or in this case her. Retard. Lol.

In other news, I turned 24 on the 17th. I got a ton of Facebook wall messages, texts, and phone calls, to which I pretty much ignored. Don’t get me wrong I thanked everyone who wished me a happy birthday because it is appreciated, but I just don’t get excited about my birthday. I despise getting treated extra special one day of the year when in all honesty, everyone should be treated extra special every day of the year because tomorrow is not promised. You never know when you will wake up and the people you love will no longer be there so rather than cherish them on one day of the year, cherish them always, life is too short for anything else. I know it’s probably a cynical way to look at it but I view it as realistic; though I’d rather be viewed as cynical than wake up and regret that I never took that extra step to tell those I love that I love and appreciate them. I never want to be that person with so much to say when its too late to say it. So if I leave you with anything tonight, it’s food for thought, love and appreciate those with you now, for once their gone, they may never know how much you did.

Mirrored from The QUEEN B {dot} NET.

fearless: Narcissim is about looking in the mirror and going, G-d I'd like to have sex with myself. (Narcissism)

Those close to me know me as the woman who will tell you exactly what I think, despite the fact that some may perceive my comments as mean or unkind. Those who are close to me also know that this is how I show I care. What I say, despite the fact that it may hurt is never done intentionally, rather in a way to ensure that you are capable of viewing certain truths (let’s face it most of the time we’re blind to them) that you’ve chosen to ignore or just aren’t capable of seeing. In the same regard, I expect the same from those I consider friends and those I am close to. I would never want anyone to feel that they need to sugar coat or “protect” me from what is true. I need to be able to rely on my friends and family to tell me what the deal is, regardless of how it hurts because it’s the only way I can ensure any decisions I have to make are based on fact and that I grow as a person. The problem with this outlook is that those who aren’t capable of understanding the reasons behind my attitude often label me as a bitch– which to be honest, I don’t actually care about. I’d rather be a bitch than the person who told you something to make you feel better, when really the best thing for you and everyone involved was for you to hear what most refused to tell you. So hey, call me a cold-hearted bitch, it doesn’t effect my sleep any, in fact, baring the manbeast in my bed who snores like no other, I sleep quite fine. ;)

Yesterday was the last day of my ethics course, which let me just say thank G-d! Seriously. I bullshitted my way through that entire course because the material was all fluff. I had a final due last night that presupposed that I lived in a racialized community (I don’t) and made the paper exceedingly difficult to write. Thankfully, I’m a good bullshitter and managed to pull 100% out of my ass, which meant I aced the class. Now I am currently in week two of the class from hell (Fundamentals of Programming with Algorithms and Logic) which I’m hoping I do much better on this time around. So far I have a 100% in the class, but that could change depending on how well or how terribly this week’s assignments go. Though on a better note, I am finally utilizing Outlook’s calendar and have started to put my assignments on there to ensure that I have no excuse for turning anything in late. Now let’s help I can stick with it and pass the class with at least a C. I’d say B, but I think that’s a bit optimistic, lol. We’ll see though.

I haven’t been feeling very much like myself lately and I’m not sure why. I’ve been pretty down the past few days and Robby has been worried about my mental state. I wish I knew what the deal was because it’s frustrating when he asks what’s wrong and the only answer I have for him is an “I don’t know”. Hopefully, it’s just the hormones throwing me out of walk and I’ll be able to regain my footing within the next few days. I really am over the depressive episodes, even if it gives me a reason to watch Friends as that seems to make me feel slightly better. Blah, we’ll see I suppose.

Alright speaking of Friends, I think I’m going to watch some as I haven’t watched any all day. Our DVD player has been in PMS mode so I’m going to watch it out in the loft. Hopefully, the next time I blog, I won’t be so bloody drab. :tumbleweed:

Mirrored from The QUEEN B {dot} NET.

fearless: (Happy Dance)

I took this idea from [personal profile] cereta because she was kind enough to let me use it.

5 Thing That Made Me Happy Today

  • Naptime: Robby and I took a nap together and it was nice. Odd to be happy about it I know, but it doesn’t happen often (he’s not a napper) so I was happy when he climbed into bed with me last night.
  • I woke up in our bed this morning: Most of you know that for the past few weeks I have been sleeping in the spare bedroom because Robby’s snoring has gotten so bad that I haven’t been able to sleep properly. While I don’t know what changed last night but I was able to fall asleep and didn’t wake up at all during the night to tell him to roll over or move to the spare bedroom. I loved this. It made me happy to be sleeping in the same bed with him.
  • Dinner: Robby was sweet enough to make me dinner and bring it up to me while I did school work. It’s the little things I tell you. :)
  • Kisses: Being able to kiss Robby and not feeling like it was reflex but feeling like it meant something.
  • Cuddles: Cuddling with my baby and watching a movie/TV show. It’s always one of the highlights of my day.

So what made you happy today?


fearless: (Default)


Today hasn’t been a very good day. I don’t know what it is but I’m just not in a good mood. I haven’t been since I got up this morning. I thought maybe a nap would help, but it didn’t and now I’m frustrated by Robby’s complete lack of caring the his current class is what is going to determine whether or not he stays on academic probation. If he doesn’t pull his GPA up by the end of this class that means he’s out of class for 6 months, which means that fucks with his financial aid. His complete apathy is pissing me off. It’s like hello, this is serious, I know you’re burnt out but at least it’s only 5 weeks of class. Try 2 classes, every 9 weeks and then complain to me. Ugh. Just frustrated by him. It’s week 2 and he hasn’t done a single thing and he doesn’t care to either. I just want to shake him and tell him to wake the fuck up. =/

I’m thinking that maybe I’m just going to curl up in bed and get lost in book. I’m just not in a sociable mood right now and if I didn’t have to work tomorrow you can beat your ass I’d be drinking right now. Guess that’s not an option though. Oh well, there’s always Monday night. Even if that is 3 days away. Bleh. I’m not in the mood to write right now and given my frustration it’s probably best that I end this hear. Nothing product or good will come from this blog. *sigh*

EDIT: Maybe my attitude steams from today’s date. I guess we’ll see how I feel tomorrow. In any event, to those who lost their lives 8 years ago, your memory lives on in those of us who lived on after. I thank you for your sacrifice, it’s not one that will ever be forgotten.

fearless: What would you do if you know you could not fail? (Could Not Fail)
Dreamwidth has actually managed to put me in a dilemma as to how I want to best go about presenting my journal. Usually, I place all entries under friends only, however given the option to subscribe and grant access to particular people while also filtering entries that I may only want certain individuals to read, I am at a stand still.

Do I keep my general relatively public with the exceptionally posts that can only be viewed by people within that access list or do I continue  on with the friends only journal, where all my posts, except select posts are friends only?

The advantages to having a journal that is pretty much open to the public with the use of access filters is that the opportunity to network would be much easier. If I have a friends only journal, that option while still plausible would be harder to initiate. So thoughts, to friends only or not to friends only? And specifically why the one and not the other?

In any event, those who were on my friends list on my Livejournal may not necessarily be granted access to my journal here. I ask that you not be offended by this, it just means that I do not know you as well as I like and until I can establish some type of relationship to identify you with, you will be subject to posts which are public. While I am not entirely sure how I want to set up the use of my Dreamwidth account, what I do know is that I want to comfortable with the people on my access list and not feel obligated to grant them access if I know nothing about them.

Expect a few points detailing the filters I will have on my journal as well as my policy on defriending and the like. I am really enjoying Dreamwidth and made the decision today that I will be purchasing a seed account. The money spent will go to a good cause and I know that this place will go fair. It's time that I do my share and help with that process.

On another note I cannot for the life of me figure out how to get hierarchical tags to work, so if anyone would be so kind to lend their hand in pointing a very confused Angel in the right direction, it would be very much appreciated! ^.^
fearless: Headdesk (Headdesk)
It would appear that Dreamwidth has officially hooked its claws into me-- as I have spent nearly all day scouring the countless DW communities and friending people who I find intriguing or have some commonalities with me.  I can't say I should be surprised.  I love the entire concept of DW and I really do have to give many thanks to [personal profile] bella for graciously giving me an invite.  I seriously cannot wait until April 30, as I already know of several individuals who have decided to join here.

The one thing that I would really like to see DW add is smilies.  They are my achilles heel and I would not hesitate to purchase a seed account if I know that eventually something like that would go into development.  I am not sure how likely that will be because I am sure not everyone is as smiley obsessed as I am, but it is still a nice thought.

As I was busy scouring DW for new friends and communities, I decided to go on to TicketMaster to see if David Cook had finally announced his tour dates.  I check occasionally and usually am disappointed to find that he is doing some concerts here and there in areas not remotely close to where I am located.  Imagine my surprise to discover that he will be performing at the Del Mar Fairgrounds in California in June.  I seriously almost peed myself.  Then my happiness sunk to depression when I realized what day he is performing (Thursday) and my lack of vacation time.  While I really, really want to go, I also know that I have taken off a lot of days since I first started working at the University and I really don't want to press my luck.  My manager is general very laid back and probably wouldn't have any problems with me taking off-- but at the same time I do not want to push my luck.  So I guess it looks as if I will just have to wait until he tours, whenever in the hell that's going to be. /cry

I am considering starting a message board plug community, but considering the lack of message boards in existence, I have to wonder if it will be a waste.  Maybe instead I will create a quote/photography challenge community, though I am hesitant because without help I don't really have the time for it.  There I go again with the hobbies I want to take up, even with the knowledge that I still have yet to unpack what is left of the boxes since we moved in at the end of March, and also decide on the color schemes for the smaller bedrooms and bathrooms, and then implement them by painting the rooms.

Sometimes I wonder if I should be a spy.  It might help my restlessness if I was always constantly on different assignments, as different personas-- but then again that may bore me to.

fearless: Don't compromise yourself, you are all you've got. (All You've Got)
It is always so strange to have to come up with something significant to say in an introduction that should not be too wordy, yet should have just enough to draw readers in.

Even now, I have yet to find words that will make me appear at the very least eloquent, despite the fact that I am far from it. In any regard, I suppose the best place to start is with a name. Mine is Angelina, though I often go by Angel. I am a 23 year old Filipino/Black female that currently resides in Arizona with my husband of nearly 2 years and our 5 cats and 1 dog.

I am a Navy brat and was born in the Philippines but spent the majority of my life in California. When my dad retired from the military we moved to San Diego, which is where I met my husband. My husband and I moved out to Arizona almost 2 years ago when a job opportunity presented itself and thus we have been here ever since.

I am a true Aquarian, as i am very eccentric in my ways and in my living style. I enjoy my freedom and will rebel if I feel threatened by a restriction. I have the tendency to pick up many hobbies (usually all at once) as I love learning new things and I find that once I have learned something or feel I have learned all there is possible to learn about a subject, I get bored and tend to move on. My resume is a stunning reflection of this habit (bad, I know) yet I have not been able to find a job that could keep me for very long.

I am a very intelligent individual and often pick up and learn things faster then most. While I enjoy this trait about myself, as it does come in handy, it is also a disadvantage especially where work is concerned, as if I am not continually challenged, I often get bored so I will either get into trouble (not intentionally) or I will move on to another job that I want to try and master. I doubt that this is something I will ever be able to overcome, however I do believe if I find a job that continually challenges me and pushes me, I won't run into the problems I spoke of above.

It is because of this that I have decided that my ultimate ambition is to work for a non-profit organization, particularly with orphans. While I am much too empathetic to be a social worker, I believe that I will still find emotional satisfaction in a management  position for non-profit organizations dealing with orphans. It is because of this realization that I am currently pursuing a Bachelor's of Science in Human Services Management. Ultimately, I would love to adopt one child, preferably a pre-teen as it has always been my ambition to provide a home and a place to belong for a child who may not have one.

As I continue a new journal which will document my struggles, triumphants, and success, the two things I hope to learn about myself is that I am a deserving individual regardless of past mistakes. I must learn to love myself so that others in turn can truly and fully love me-- because while they may love me now, they love what I want them to love and not the whole of me.  I hope that eventually as time goes on, my walls will start to disappear and I will stop feeling a need to protect people from what I feel will cause them to run in the opposite direction. I have to trust that regardless of what they may learn they'll still love me for me.

May 2010

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